Love to My Valentine in Heaven: Using Journaling to Heal the Grief

In the tapestry of human experience, love and loss are intricately woven together, creating a bittersweet symphony that defines much of our existence. The quest for peace often feels elusive, especially when grief is an ever-present companion. However, true peace is not the absence of grief; it’s the ability to coexist with it, finding beauty and meaning within the complex interplay of joy and sorrow. Grief, by its very nature, is a testament to love. It is the echo of the bond shared, the depth of emotions felt, and the significance of the relationship lost. To grieve deeply is to have loved deeply, and within this understanding lies the foundation for finding peace amid the turmoil. The Coexistence of Peace and Grief Peace in the context of grief does not mean a life devoid of pain. Instead, it signifies an acceptance of grief as part of the human experience, an acknowledgment that sorrow and happiness are not mutually exclusive. This coexistence allows us to honor our losses while also celebrating the love that remains. Finding peace amid grief involves several key principles: Acceptance: Acceptance is the first step towards finding peace. Recognizing that grief is a natural response to loss allows us to embrace our feelings without judgment. This acceptance is not about resigning to perpetual sadness but understanding that grief will ebb and flow throughout our lives. Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness helps us stay present with our emotions without being overwhelmed by them. By observing our grief with compassion and curiosity, we can navigate its complexities with greater ease and resilience. Integration: Integrating grief into our lives means finding a place for it without letting it define us entirely. This might involve creating new rituals, finding ways to honor our loved ones, and allowing grief to inform our growth and transformation. Finding Meaning: Finding meaning in our loss can be a powerful way to coexist with grief. This might involve reflecting on the positive impact our loved ones had on our lives and how their legacy can continue to inspire us. The Beauty in Bittersweetness The concept of bittersweetness acknowledges that life is a blend of joy and sorrow, love and loss. It is in this duality that we often find profound beauty and meaning. By embracing the bittersweet nature of our experiences, we can cultivate a deeper appreciation for the moments of joy and connection that life offers. The key principles for this include: Cherishing Memories: Memories are a bridge between the past and the present. By cherishing the moments we shared with our loved ones, we keep their spirit alive and find comfort in the knowledge that they are always a part of us. Cultivating Gratitude: Gratitude does not negate grief but rather coexists with it. Being grateful for the love we experienced can bring a sense of peace and fulfillment, even in the face of loss. Embracing Growth: Grief often catalyzes personal growth. Embracing the lessons learned from our losses and using them to enrich our lives can transform our grief into a source of strength and resilience. Moving Forward with Grace Moving forward with grief does not mean leaving our loved ones behind. It means carrying their memory with us as we continue to live our lives. It involves allowing ourselves to experience joy again, to love and be loved, and to find new meaning and purpose. Some primary principles for moving forward include: Engaging with Life: Reengaging with life after loss can be challenging, but it is essential for finding peace. This might involve pursuing passions, connecting with others, and finding ways to contribute positively to the world around us. Seeking Support: Support from friends, family, or professional counselors can provide a valuable network as we navigate our grief. Sharing our journey with others can bring comfort and a sense of belonging. Honoring Our Loved Ones: Finding ways to honor our loved ones, whether through acts of kindness, creating tributes, or continuing their legacy, can bring a sense of purpose and connection.  In the end, peace is not about eliminating grief but learning to live harmoniously with it. By embracing the bittersweet symphony of love and loss, we can find beauty in our pain, strength in our sorrow, and a deeper sense of peace that transcends the boundaries of grief.

School Counselors scatter kindness and goodness in our school communities as they work to heal our students and our community. Check out this video to see what an influence they make for students. https://ctt.ac/jJOf0+ In the bustling environment of a school, it’s easy to focus solely on academics. However, the well-being of students goes beyond grades and test scores. School counselors are often the unsung heroes who support, guide, and uplift students, serving as pillars of strength within the educational community. Their role is multifaceted, extending from personal counseling to career guidance, all while nurturing an environment of kindness and healing. The video linked above beautifully illustrates the profound impact school counselors have on students. Their dedication and compassion are essential to the fabric of our school communities. Let’s explore how they scatter kindness and goodness, fostering growth and resilience among students. 1. Emotional Support and Mental Health Advocacy School counselors play a crucial role in supporting the mental health of students. They provide a safe space for students to express their emotions, address their anxieties, and cope with the challenges of growing up. This emotional support is vital, particularly in today’s world where students face unprecedented stressors, from academic pressures to social dynamics and, increasingly, concerns about global issues. Through one-on-one counseling sessions, group discussions, and mental health programs, counselors help students develop coping strategies and build resilience. They are trained to identify signs of mental health issues and intervene early, connecting students with additional resources if needed. This proactive approach can significantly reduce the stigma around mental health, encouraging a more open and supportive school environment. 2. Academic and Career Guidance Beyond emotional support, school counselors are instrumental in guiding students through their academic journeys. They help students set realistic academic goals, plan their coursework, and develop effective study habits. Counselors also play a key role in the college application process, providing information on colleges, scholarships, and financial aid, as well as assisting with application essays and interviews. For students considering alternative career paths, counselors offer resources and advice on vocational training, internships, and apprenticeships. Their guidance ensures that each student can explore various opportunities and make informed decisions about their future. 3. Conflict Resolution and Social Skills Development School counselors often mediate conflicts among students, helping them navigate interpersonal issues and develop healthy communication skills. Through conflict resolution techniques and social skills training, they teach students how to manage disagreements constructively, fostering a more harmonious school environment. These skills are not only critical for immediate conflict resolution but also for students' long-term social development. Learning to empathize, negotiate, and cooperate with others prepares students for successful interactions both within and outside the school setting. 4. Promoting a Positive School Climate Counselors contribute significantly to the overall school climate by promoting kindness, inclusivity, and respect. They organize activities and campaigns aimed at creating a positive and welcoming school culture. Whether it’s anti-bullying programs, peer mentoring initiatives, or wellness workshops, these efforts help build a supportive community where every student feels valued and included. By fostering such an environment, counselors help reduce instances of bullying and discrimination, enhancing students’ sense of belonging and safety at school. This positive climate, in turn, supports better academic performance and overall well-being. 5. Community Liaison and Family Support Counselors often act as liaisons between the school, families, and the broader community. They collaborate with teachers, administrators, and parents to address the needs of students and ensure a coordinated approach to their development. In times of crisis, counselors provide crucial support to families, helping them navigate challenges and access community resources. This role is especially important for students who may face difficulties at home, such as economic hardship or family instability. By connecting families with support services and advocating for students’ needs, counselors help create a more supportive and stable environment for learning. Conclusion School counselors are the heart of our educational communities, scattering kindness and goodness with every interaction. Their dedication to students’ well-being, academic success, and social development is invaluable. As highlighted in the video, their influence extends far beyond the confines of their offices, touching the lives of students in profound and lasting ways. In recognizing and supporting the essential role of school counselors, we not only enrich the lives of individual students but also strengthen the fabric of our school communities as a whole. Let’s celebrate and support these champions of kindness and healing, ensuring they have the resources and recognition they deserve to continue their vital work. Again, for a visual reminder of the incredible impact school counselors make, take a moment to watch this inspiring video here .

Moving Forward While Holding On Grief is a profoundly personal experience, and one that often defies easy explanation. During such times, trite clichés—well-meaning though they may be—can feel dismissive and even hurtful. Phrases like "time heals all wounds" or "they're in a better place" may be intended to comfort, but they can also undermine the depth and complexity of the loss being experienced. However, amidst these often hollow platitudes, there is a perspective worth considering: some of us hold on to the pain because it feels like our last, strongest connection to those we've lost. This pain, though excruciating, becomes a way to keep their memory alive, a constant reminder of the impact they had on our lives. It is as if by letting go of the pain, we might also let go of them. Yet, it's important to remember that there are other ways to maintain this connection—ways that can also bring healing and peace. Holding on to the happy memories and the love shared can be just as powerful, if not more so. This doesn't mean forgetting the pain or pretending it doesn't exist, but rather balancing it with the joy and warmth of the times spent together. Life often presents us with choices, especially in the face of loss. We can choose to sit, sulk, and dwell on how unfair life seems, or we can seek out ways to make even the most challenging situations work in our favor. This doesn't mean that loss is a mere "bad situation" or that it could ever be construed as a good thing. Loss is profound, and its impact is lasting. But within the journey of grief, there lies the potential for growth and a new kind of connection. Moving forward doesn't mean moving on. It doesn't mean forgetting or diminishing the significance of the person we've lost. Instead, it means finding a way to live in a world where they are no longer physically present, while still carrying their memory and influence within us. It means recognizing that while the pain of loss is a testament to the love we had, so too are the happy memories and the joy we once shared. The path through grief is never linear, and it's rarely easy. Each person's journey is unique, shaped by the relationship they had with the person they've lost and the circumstances of that loss. But in acknowledging the pain and allowing ourselves to also embrace the good memories, we can begin to find a way to live with the loss. We can honor the person we've lost by living a life that reflects the love and joy they brought us, rather than one overshadowed entirely by their absence. Grief will always be a part of us, but it doesn't have to define us. By holding on to the happy memories and the love, we can create a bridge between the past and the future, one that allows us to move forward while still cherishing the connection we had. It's a delicate balance, but one that can lead to a richer, more nuanced experience of both grief and life. Strategies for Navigating Grief While Holding On to Positive Memories Navigating the journey of grief is a deeply personal and often challenging process. Here are some strategies to help balance the pain of loss with the joy of positive memories and love: Create a Memory Box or Journal: Collect mementos, photographs, and letters that remind you of your loved one. Write down cherished memories and moments. This tangible collection can serve as a source of comfort and a way to keep their memory alive. Engage in Rituals or Traditions: Establish new traditions or continue old ones that honor your loved one. This could be as simple as lighting a candle on special occasions, cooking their favorite meal, or visiting a place that held significance in your relationship. Seek Support from Others: Talk to friends, family, or support groups about your loss. Sharing your feelings and memories with others who understand can provide comfort and a sense of community. Express Yourself Creatively: Use art, music, writing, or other creative outlets to express your emotions. Creating something inspired by your loved one can be a therapeutic way to process grief and celebrate their life. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness and meditation can help you stay present and manage overwhelming emotions. These practices can also help you focus on positive memories and the love you shared, rather than being consumed by pain. Celebrate Their Life: Organize a celebration of life event where friends and family can gather to share stories, memories, and photos. This communal activity can reinforce the positive impact your loved one had on everyone’s lives. Set Aside Time for Reflection: Dedicate specific times for grieving and reflecting on your loss. This can prevent grief from becoming all-consuming and allow you to also focus on positive aspects of your loved one’s life. Engage in Acts of Kindness: Doing something kind in your loved one’s name, such as volunteering or donating to a cause they cared about, can be a meaningful way to honor their memory and keep their spirit alive. Take Care of Your Physical Health: Grief can take a toll on your physical well-being. Ensure you are eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in regular physical activity. Taking care of your body can improve your mental health and resilience. Seek Professional Help: If grief becomes overwhelming or unmanageable, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. Professional support can provide tools and strategies to navigate complex emotions and find a path forward. Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment. It’s okay to have good days and bad days as you move through the grieving process. Create a Tribute or Memorial: Plant a tree, create a garden, or establish a memorial in your loved one’s honor. These lasting tributes can serve as a place for reflection and a way to keep their memory alive in a positive and nurturing way.  Balancing grief with positive memories and love is a delicate process. By integrating these strategies into your daily life, you can honor your loved one’s memory while also finding a way to move forward.

This post delves into the essential elements that constitute a comprehensive school counseling program, highlighting its importance and multifaceted role within educational institutions. It offers a detailed exploration of the program's foundational components, provides a step-by-step guide for successful implementation as well as insights on measuring its effectiveness and avenues for continuous improvement. Intertwining theory with practical guidance, the post serves as a roadmap for educators, school counselors, and policymakers committed to enhancing educational outcomes through the holistic development of students. Understanding the Role of a School Counselor Responsibilities and Duties School counselors are certified and licensed educators/mental health professionals dedicated to fostering student success across academic, career, and personal domains. Educator and mental health professional is not mutually in the school counselor role. The school counselor is the mental health professional working with students to improve their educational success. Their responsibilities include individual student academic planning, delivering school counseling classroom lessons, and providing short-term counseling [1] . They engage in collaboration with families, teachers, administrators, and the community to advocate for student success [1] . Furthermore, they analyze data to identify student issues, needs, and challenges, acting as systems change agents to improve equity, access, achievement, and opportunities for all students [1] . Importance in the Educational System School counselors play a pivotal role in the educational system. They are integral in designing and delivering school counseling programs that improve student outcomes by promoting equity and access for all students [1] . They connect their school counseling program to the school's academic mission and school improvement plan, thereby leading, advocating, and collaborating to enhance the educational environment [1] . School counselors ensure that academic, career, and social/emotional development opportunities are equitably available to all students, thereby supporting the holistic development of each student within the school system [1] Understanding the Comprehensive School Counseling Program (cSCP) The Primary Objective of the Comprehensive School Counseling Program (CSCP) The main goal of a comprehensive school counseling program is to assist students in developing life skills and character values. This type of program equips children with the necessary knowledge, attitudes, and skills to become competent and confident learners. Research, including studies published in Professional School Counseling and other academic literature, demonstrates that CSCP's contribute to student success. These benefits include improved scores on standardized tests like the ACT and SAT, better college decision-making, fewer disciplinary issues, enhanced attendance, and more. The key components of a CSCP include four main pillars: foundation, management, delivery, and accountability. ASCA's publication, “The ASCA National Model: A Framework for School Counseling Programs” provides an extensive overview of these pillars. Essential Components of a CSCP Academic Development School counselors play a pivotal role in promoting academic success by collaborating with school staff and community stakeholders to create a supportive learning environment. They focus on enhancing student engagement and performance through well-designed school counseling programs [2] . By providing information on effective learning strategies and self-management skills, counselors help students develop a positive attitude toward their academic efforts and future educational pursuits [2] . Additionally, they use disaggregated data to tailor their programs to meet the specific needs of students, ensuring equitable opportunities for academic achievement [2] . Career Development In the realm of career development, school counselors assist students in understanding the connection between school and the world of work. They help students set career-related goals and plan for their future by emphasizing the importance of engaging in challenging coursework and addressing barriers to accessing rigorous academic programs [2] . Counselors also play a critical role in helping students develop the skills necessary to make informed decisions about their careers, fostering a belief in their ability to succeed [2] . Personal and Social Development School counselors address the personal and social development of students by creating a safe and caring environment that promotes respect and supportive relationships. They provide interventions that help students develop social skills, leading to outcomes such as increased confidence, positive self-worth, and stronger friendships [3] . Counselors also offer responsive services to meet the immediate needs and concerns of students, which may include crisis response counseling and support for overcoming personal challenges [3] . By implementing comprehensive school counseling programs, counselors ensure that all students receive the support they need to achieve success in academic, career, and personal and social domains. These programs are essential for preparing students for future success and for creating a positive and inclusive school culture. Implementing the Program: Step-by-Step Guide Needs Assessment The initial phase in implementing a CSCP involves conducting a thorough needs assessment. This process is crucial as it helps identify the specific needs of students by gathering data through surveys filled out by students, parents, teachers, and administrators [4] . By incorporating a variety of demographic questions regarding students' grade levels, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, counselors can uncover the barriers these groups face and begin to address them effectively [4] . Program Design Following the needs assessment, the next step is to design the school counseling program. This design phase should be informed by the data collected, ensuring that the program addresses the identified needs effectively. School counselors align the program with the school's academic mission and improvement plans, integrating strategies that promote equity and access for all students. The program design includes developing targeted improvement plans, ensuring continuous improvement and alignment with educational standards [5] . Execution and Management The execution phase involves the actual implementation of the school counseling program. It is essential for school counselors to engage in continuous monitoring and adjustment of the program to respond to student needs dynamically. Implementing the program also includes managing the various components effectively, such as direct student services, data-driven interventions, and collaboration with educational stakeholders [6] . Regular assessments and feedback mechanisms should be incorporated to measure the effectiveness of the program and make necessary adjustments [6] . By following these structured steps—needs assessment, program design, and execution—school counselors can ensure the comprehensive school counseling program is effectively implemented, leading to improved student outcomes and a supportive educational environment. Measuring Effectiveness and Making Improvements Assessment Methods In the realm of CSCP's, it is crucial to utilize a variety of assessment methods to measure effectiveness. School counselors should employ both qualitative and quantitative data collection strategies. This includes gathering feedback through surveys, academic performance metrics, behavioral incident reports, and qualitative assessments. Advanced data analysis tools are instrumental in identifying patterns and correlations that aid in informed decision-making [7] . For instance, a correlation between attendance at counseling sessions and improved exam scores can significantly highlight the program's efficacy [7] . Feedback and Evaluation Feedback and evaluation are integral to the continuous improvement of school counseling programs. Regular evaluations not only gauge the immediate impact of the interventions but also provide insights into long-term trends. Effective evaluation involves collecting feedback from a broad range of stakeholders, including students, teachers, and parents. This feedback is crucial for assessing the program's contributions to educational successes and for identifying areas needing improvement [8] . Moreover, the annual performance appraisal of school counselors is a critical component of the evaluation process. It should accurately reflect the unique professional training and practices of school counselors and be based on professional standards of practice defined by school, district, or state guidelines. Appraisals should include components of self-evaluation, administrative evaluation, and assessment of goal attainment [9] . Through these structured assessment methods and rigorous feedback mechanisms, school counseling programs can adapt and evolve, ensuring they effectively support the holistic development of students and align with the educational goals of the institution. Conclusion Throughout this discussion, the value and comprehensive nature of school counseling programs have been underscored, highlighting their critical role in the holistic development of students. By focusing on academic, career, and personal/social domains, these programs play a pivotal part in preparing students for the myriad challenges of the future. Their implementation within schools is not just beneficial but essential, aligning with educational missions and fostering environments that promote equity, access, success, and well-being for all students. The practical steps of implementing and evaluating a CSCP, from needs assessment through execution and ongoing assessment, provide a blueprint for schools committed to enhancing student outcomes. As the landscape of education continues to evolve, the importance of these programs remains constant, offering a foundation for student success that is both inclusive and forward-thinking. Moving forward, it is imperative that educators, counselors, and policymakers continue to recognize and support the development and refinement of comprehensive school counseling programs to meet the diverse needs of students. References [1] - https://www.schoolcounselor.org/getmedia/ee8b2e1b-d021-4575-982c-c84402cb2cd2/Role-Statement.pdf [2] - https://www.schoolcounselor.org/Standards-Positions/Position-Statements/ASCA-Position-Statements/The-School-Counselor-and-Academic-Development [3] - https://educationadvanced.com/resources/blog/school-counselors-help-students-empowering-academic-and-emotional-growth/ [4] - https://www.schoolcounselor.org/newsletters/october-2018/upgrading-your-needs-assessment [5] - https://tea.texas.gov/student-assessment/monitoring-and-interventions/program-monitoring-and-interventions/pmi-accountability/accountability-19-20/acctcampus-needs-assessment-and-planning-process-guidance20.pdf [6] - https://www.schoolcounselor.org/Standards-Positions/Position-Statements/ASCA-Position-Statements/The-School-Counselor-and-School-Counseling-Program [7] - https://www.school-counselor.org/topics/strategies-for-effective-school-counseling-program-evaluation/ [8] - https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ909074.pdf [9] - https://www.schoolcounselor.org/Standards-Positions/Position-Statements/ASCA-Position-Statements/The-School-Counselor-and-Annual-Performance-Apprai

THE IMPACT OF CONFIDENCE AND SELF-PERCEPTION Have you ever wondered why some people turn heads when they enter a room? Is it because they are the most beautiful or magnificent? Then, why don’t all people of the same category turn heads? And – a more difficult question – why do some people whom society would deem merely average also turn heads? The answer this time – it’s the presence. Attitude rules! It’s the confidence that counts. Their own perception of themselves breeds a positive attitude that is inviting and contagious. My husband made a reply to me one day when I fell into the trap of comparing myself to another that has stuck with me. He said, “Don’t be so insecure. It doesn’t look good on you.” What he meant by this was to remember who I was. I was his wife, the mother of his children. Do not be so foolish as to think that he had chosen second best for himself. And, I am lucky because he reminds me of this each and every time I fall into this line of thinking that I “so affectionately” call the Rudolph Syndrome. If you remember correctly, Rudolph was given a special gift. He had the shiniest nose of all the reindeer. This could have made him feel “puffed up” or conceited because he was special. But instead, he allowed the other reindeer to cause him to feel ashamed of his gift. It wasn’t until the weather (the circumstances) caused a need for his gift that he truly felt special about it. The other reindeer “never let him play,” because he was different. They made fun of him! He allowed the others to make him feel less than the rest. When we begin comparing ourselves, we allow others to pull us down with them. What is your “Rudolph gift”? What is your teen’s “Rudolph gift”? Is it the same or similar? It is our job as school counselors (and parents) to find these gifts and make the most of them for yourself and your child or teen. Remember who you are! Whoever you are, you can count on being special to someone. One of my favorite stories is from my daughter. I am human and have all those other insecurities with which we all fight. But, one day, when she was about five, we were getting ready. She looked at me and said, “Mom, will I look like you when I grow up?” At that time, she looked so much like me that I had to be honest. I replied, “Yes, honey, I’m sorry, but you will.” She threw her hands up as if in a cheer and said, “Yes!” That was the biggest compliment I have ever received. She loved me enough to want to look just like me. This love is most important as Rudolph taught us. When Rudolph accepted his nose and loved himself, others did as well. Now, lest we forget, we know that Rudolph was a fictional character. Still, the moral of his story is so significant for us today. Because he accepted himself right down to what others considered his faults, he “went down in history.” We cannot love others fully if we do not first love ourselves. ACTIVITY You can practice this for yourself as well as with the students. It is a primary step in helping your students, because they see themselves as reflections of their role models. Look at that beautiful self in the mirror. P romise that reflection that you will not put it through any emotional threatening molds or moods again! The truest form of tragedy is when others can recognize your beauty and your assets, while you cannot. Others have praised you, yet you cannot get through some barrier to find that true beauty. Allow yourself to soak up those compliments and that praise from those who love you. (Accept yourself, so you can help your students accept themselves.) Now, write at least five good things about your body image. Keep going if you can. Pull out more paper when you need it. (Notice I said “when”, not “if”.) Lead with one of your positive images as a role model for discussion. Then, discuss the traits that the students wrote down as a group. Sharing them out load bolsters esteem as well as make it real for the students. Keep this list somewhere so that you can refer to it when those negative thoughts/self-talk creep in. We live up to self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone we loved and respected told us we were valued and beautiful, then we believed it. If someone did not give us this gift, then we had and still carry around with us this low self-image. This activity provides that outlet for you and your students.

The Lingering Void: Processing Grief and Finding Purpose The sentiment in the picture above is why I feel so empty and lost even 44 months later. First, it is interesting that my "favorite" large number has always been 43. When my children were younger, I would say, "Why do I have to ask 43 times?" Just recently, when my son, daughter-in-law, and I were staying at the Marriott for a short part of our vacation, I said, "Why do they have to put 43 pillows on the bed?" (My daughter-in-law sarcastically replied, "Because 39 is not enough.") As I wrote 44, that number seemed so large. Have I really lived that long without him? It brought me hope that I have indeed made it through. The Search for Purpose Yet, still my life—my purpose—doesn’t feel as meaningful when I’m only taking care of myself. Not only was I a wife for 37 years, but I was his caregiver for the last 5 years. He would say, "You have to stay healthy, because someone has to take care of us." We took care of each other. To have so much purpose for so many years and then to suddenly have none is such a shock to everything I thought I was! I think that's how most of us feel. It's such a shock that we don’t even know how to process the emotion, the feelings. That's why I write—to process, to share, and to try to heal myself through somehow helping others. Navigating the Shock of Loss The sudden shift from being a caregiver, a partner, and a crucial part of someone's life to being alone is a profound change. It's not just about missing the person but also about missing the role you played, the purpose you had. For years, my identity was intertwined with his well-being. Now, I struggle to find that same sense of purpose. Writing as a Tool for Healing Writing has become my lifeline. It's a way to process the tangled emotions that come with such a significant loss. Through words, I can express the pain, the confusion, and the occasional glimmers of hope. Sharing these thoughts with others who might be experiencing similar feelings helps me feel connected and less alone in this journey. One of the most comforting aspects of writing about grief is the sense of community it fosters. When we share our stories, we create a network of understanding and support. Knowing that others are walking a similar path and experiencing similar emotions can be incredibly validating and comforting. Finding New Purpose As I continue to navigate life without him, I am gradually discovering new purposes. It's not an easy journey, and the sense of emptiness can be overwhelming. However, each day offers a chance to find meaning in new ways—whether through helping others, pursuing passions, or simply taking care of myself in a way that honors the love we shared. Grief is a long and winding road, filled with unexpected turns and emotions. It's essential to allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions, from the depths of sorrow to the peaks of hope. By embracing the journey and seeking new purposes, we can slowly begin to fill the void left by our loved ones. Conclusion: Love and Peace As I reflect on these 44 months, I am reminded of the enduring power of love and the resilience of the human spirit. Though the journey is challenging, it's also an opportunity for growth and transformation. Through writing, community, and the search for new purposes, we can find ways to honor our loved ones and continue moving forward.  Love and peace to all!

LEARNING FROM HISTORY Consider Marilyn Monroe for a minute. Today’s society would consider her “plus-size” as she was a size fourteen. But, in her day, she (along with a very good agent) was able to convince the rest of society that she was THE most beautiful. Everybody tried to look like Marilyn – right down to the bleached blonde hair and “full figure.” Here again, perception rules! The tragedy happens when we look deeper to see the personal perception that Marilyn had of herself. She did not think of herself as beautiful or successful. Whether you believe that she committed suicide or was murdered, the fact remains indisputable that she was unhappy. She was always reaching to fit into that “Beautiful People” group or the “Success Regime.” The sad fact was that she had already arrived. Still, she didn’t see it. She had reached the brass ring, but then she felt she needed to gold-plate it. We can think of several such figures throughout history and within modern-day society. Princess Diana appeared as if she had the world by the tail when she married Prince Charles, but we watched her struggles within the media and the paparazzi. Several movie stars have literally fallen apart right before our eyes as their stories are told within the press. The sad truth is that even if you have a near-perfect body, you may not be able to appreciate it. One example is from Fiji. Ellen Goodman (1999) writes of the “Joy of Fat” in this remote country. The women greet each other with cheerful exchanges of ritual compliments of “You look wonderful! You’ve put on weight!” Sounds like dialogue from Fantasy Island? But, this Western fantasy was a South Pacific way of life. In Fiji, before 1995, big was beautiful and bigger was more beautiful – and people really did flatter each other with exclamations about weight gain. In this island paradise, food was not only love, it was a cultural imperative. Eating and overeating were rites of mutual hospitality. Everyone worried about losing weight – but not the way we do in America. “Going thin” was considered to be a sign of some social problem – a worrisome indication the person wasn’t getting enough to eat. But, something happened in 1995. A Western mirror was shoved into the face of the Fijian people. Television came to the island. Suddenly, the girls of rural coastal villages were watching the girls of “Melrose Place” and “Beverly Hills 90210,” not to mention “Seinfeld” and the soap operas. Within 38 months, the number of teens at risk for eating disorders more than doubled to 29 percent. The number of high school girls who vomited for weight control went up five times to 15 percent. Worse yet, 74 percent of the Fiji teens in the study said they felt “too big or fat” at least some of the time, and 62 percent said they had dieted in the past month (Goodman, 1999). While a direct causal link between television, magazines, advertisements and eating disorders cannot be proven, this is certainly a good argument. The beautiful starlet does not cause anorexia. Nor does the pencil-thin fashion magazine model cause bulimia. Nevertheless, you don’t get a much better lab experiment than this. In just 38 months, a television-free culture that defined a fat person as robust has become a television culture that sees robust as, well, repulsive. Think about the models from the sixteenth century. In their day, they were considered the ultimate of perfect beauty. Yet, they would have been a size sixteen in today’s society. Consider the ladies with their parasols at the turn of the 19th century. Fair skin was the rage. A tan face and body meant you had to work. Now, we all risk skin cancer for that same tan skin. Once again, perception rules! More PRACTICAL STEPS TO IMPROVE SELF-IMAGE Create Supportive Environments: Foster a school environment that celebrates diversity and inclusivity. Encourage activities and programs that promote acceptance and respect for all body types and appearances, helping pre-teens feel valued and included. Emphasize Health Over Appearance: Encourage regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep. By focusing on health rather than appearance, pre-teens can develop a positive relationship with their bodies. Promote Positive Peer Relationships: Encourage pre-teens to build supportive and positive friendships. Positive peer relationships can reinforce healthy self-image and provide a network of encouragement and understanding. Provide Resources and Support: Offer resources such as books, workshops, and counseling sessions that focus on self-esteem and body image. Providing ongoing support can help pre-teens navigate their feelings and develop a healthier self-image. Engage Parents and Guardians: Involve parents and guardians in discussions about body image and self-esteem. Provide them with tools and strategies to reinforce positive messages at home, creating a consistent support system for pre-teens. Encourage Self-Expression: Support pre-teens in expressing themselves through art, music, writing, or other creative outlets. These activities can help them explore and affirm their identities, boosting self-esteem and self-acceptance. Educate on Body Diversity: Teach pre-teens about the natural diversity of body shapes and sizes. Emphasize that everyone is unique and that there is no single standard of beauty. Implement Mindfulness Practices: Introduce mindfulness and relaxation techniques to help pre-teens manage stress and develop a more compassionate relationship with their bodies. Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate the achievements and milestones of pre-teens, both big and small. Positive reinforcement can build confidence and encourage a healthy self-image. Encourage Community Service: Involve pre-teens in community service projects. Helping others can shift their focus away from appearance and towards meaningful contributions, enhancing their sense of self-worth. By implementing these strategies, we can help pre-teens develop a healthier self-image and navigate the challenges of adolescence with greater confidence and resilience. We can help our children and teenagers do it right the first time - as they develop and form an identity. It is much easier to build a child than to repair an adult! References Goodman, E. (May 1999). The Joy of Fat. The Courier Journal. Louisville, Kentucky.

Embracing Grief: Lessons from Anderson Cooper's Journey While I don't agree politically and culturally with most of Anderson Cooper's viewpoints, he expresses grief so eloquently that I wanted to share his video with you. Click here to watch an overview of his podcast, "All There Is," from an interview on December 23, 2023, with CNN. The focus of the podcast is to ask the question, "Do we move on from grief or simply learn to live with it?" As I have learned that we simply learn to live with it, I have loved listening to Anderson and his way of expressing himself. Facing Grief Instead of Running Away I especially appreciate that he brings to light the notion of running away from grief. He says that even though he's spent most of his life running away, he hasn't gotten very far. That's just more evidence that grief must be addressed. It doesn't just "go away." He says, "I'm the last one left from the little family I was born into." That's especially powerful! Yet, even if you have lost just one from the photo, that loss leaves a gaping hole! I lost the patriarch from the family I created in October 2020. Then, just nine short months later, I lost the patriarch from the family I was born into. Those holes can never be filled. We just learn to live with both the loss and the love. The Importance of Keeping "Things" And, while we're learning, it's so important to allow the keeping of things. It's so often said that you can't take it with you; that we shouldn't value things. Yet, when things are the only tangible part of a deep, enduring love, those things have value far above the economic connotation that we usually associate with things. Their DNA is still on and with those things. In one of Anderson's podcasts, he speaks at length about what to do with his father's belts. I think it's interesting that they are still around - nicely saved in a box. His mother couldn't get rid of them. They were her husband’s! Yet, so many times, people incorrectly assume that we are "stuck" if we hang onto those things. Yet, it's simply holding on to a piece of the love! The belts stood out to me, because Bob's belts are still hanging in our closet. They aren't taking up space I need, and I like knowing that he hung them there. His hand was the last one to touch them. Allowing Yourself to Feel Grief and Joy Finally, it is so important to remember that "When you bury your grief to mute your sadness, you mute your ability to feel joy as well." Grief will not be ignored, so when we try to mute it, it rears its ugly head as anger and other negative emotions. It literally changes our personality. And, while loss as a whole changes us, we can learn to move forward with the grief - keeping our genuine personality intact - if we allow time to sit with the grief; to heal from the loss. Conclusion: Embracing the Journey of Grief  Grief is a complex, multifaceted journey that demands our attention and care. By facing it head-on and allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions, we honor both our loved ones and ourselves. Anderson Cooper's insights remind us that grief is not something to be rushed through or fixed but rather a testament to the deep love we have experienced. As we navigate this journey, let us hold onto the tangible memories, embrace our feelings, and find solace in the fact that through our grief, we keep the love alive.

Understanding and Improving Self-Image in Pre-Teens Self-image is one of the most recognized challenges faced by pre-teens. During this period, they experience numerous hormonal changes that can lead to self-doubt regarding their physical appearance. As school counselors, our role in supporting them through this identity crisis is crucial. Sharing our personal stories—past or present—can help bridge the gap and foster a sense of connection. A great example of this occurred in the private Christian school where I taught. Each teacher brought in pictures of themselves from their middle school years to show at an assembly. As the pictures were displayed, the teacher’s goals at that time in their life were announced, along with some personal stories, including an embarrassing moment from adolescence. The students deeply appreciated their teachers' willingness to be so open with them. One picture, in particular, left a lasting impression. One of the prettiest teachers in the school, known for her long, blonde hair and beautiful eyes, shared a middle school photo where she wore extra thick glasses and had short, seemingly unmanageable hair. The students were shocked and encouraged to see that everyone goes through an “awkward stage.” To help pre-teens navigate this stage more effectively, we must first love and accept ourselves enough to open up to them. This aligns with the concept of removing the mote from our own eye before helping others. Self-healing is essential before we can assist anyone else. Fostering a Positive Body Image Body image and the way we feel and care about our bodies are integral to our overall sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Improving body image can lead to significant and meaningful enhancements to our overall self-image, and vice versa. Body image refers to the picture you have of your body—how it looks to you and how you think it appears to others. In other words, it is your perception of your physical appearance. For many, low self-esteem stems from a negative body image, while for others, it is the other way around. Often, our bodies are mirrors reflecting how we feel about ourselves. Consider what your body says about you. Does it reflect a sense of self-worth and positivity, or does it convey feelings of inadequacy? By understanding and addressing these perceptions, we can better support pre-teens in developing a healthy body image and, consequently, a positive self-image. THE "BEAUTY WAR" AND PERCEPTION Most of us have been watching others participate as well as participating ourselves in the “beauty war.” In our grief of “ugliness,” we compare ourselves to Barbie look-alikes, the Marilyn Monroe ideal, or the current model of the day, and other such examples of beauty shoved at us from “perfect” models in the latest fashion magazines. But we must remember that it is all in our perception. I have often said that I wish I could see myself through the eyes of those who love me. But, are we not to love ourselves as well? If we don’t take care of ourselves, then there is nothing left to give others, says the old adage. Just as every little thing is beautiful in its own way, so are all of us. Each house with its unique structure is lived in and wanted by someone. Each flower with its special blossom smells sweet and appears beautiful to someone. (Even dandelions are enjoyed by children!) Each animal with its distinguished character and look is cherished by someone. (Even Pumba, the warthog, is cute in his own way. And he teaches a wonderful lesson in “Hakuna Matata.” Just listen to the words.) Each perfume, with its distinctive smell, is purchased, worn, and appreciated by someone. Each unique profession, career, or vocation is chosen and valued by someone. And so on… We don’t want all of our houses looking the same. Some of us prefer a Cape Cod, while others prefer a two-story, while others prefer a different architecture altogether. All structures have their own specific positive characteristic! And so do we as human structures. We need to grab on to that positive characteristic, hold on tight, play it up as much as possible, and convince ourselves that what we have is beauty. The world believes the notions that we put out. If we love ourselves, the world loves us. If we hate ourselves, then we become insecure, angry people that the world has difficulty loving as well. We need to accept ourselves so that our adolescents can accept themselves. I learned a valuable lesson one day from one of my students. I have fought a weight issue all my life and usually use the defense mechanism of self-deprecation and humor to handle it. In my middle school English classroom one day, I made yet another off-hand comment about my weight. One of the girls came up to me after class and said, “Please don’t say those things about yourself. I’m about your size, and it makes me feel bad.” Wow! I had never thought about how my own personal feelings affected others. That was powerful for me. Then, I connected that back to my own children, who were still in elementary school at the time. They, of course, look like me. They carry my genes. I learned that day to try to remember to transmit positive vibes about myself, not only for me but especially for those that love me.  And we can use this lesson as school counselors. Practical Steps to Improve Self-Image Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe space where pre-teens feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings about their bodies. Listen without judgment and provide reassurance. Share Positive Stories: As demonstrated in the example, sharing personal stories of overcoming awkward stages can have a powerful impact. It helps pre-teens see that change is normal and everyone has their unique journey. Promote Healthy Habits: Encourage regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep. These habits contribute to better physical health, which in turn can improve body image and self-esteem. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Teach pre-teens to recognize and challenge negative thoughts about their bodies. Help them replace these thoughts with positive affirmations. Highlight Strengths and Talents: Focus on individual strengths and talents rather than just physical appearance. This helps pre-teens build a more balanced and positive self-image. Model Positive Behavior: As counselors and educators, we must model positive body image and self-esteem. Our actions and attitudes can significantly influence the young people we work with. Encourage Media Literacy: Teach pre-teens to critically evaluate media messages and understand that many images they see are digitally altered or unrealistic. Helping them develop media literacy can protect them from harmful comparisons. Create Supportive Environments: Foster a school environment that celebrates diversity and inclusivity. Encourage activities and programs that promote acceptance and respect for all body types and appearances. By implementing these strategies, we can help pre-teens develop a healthier self-image and navigate the challenges of adolescence with greater confidence and resilience. References Engel, B. (2006, February 24). Working together to create an abuse-free future. Retrieved January 31, 2008, from Beverly Engel’s Newsletter. http://www.beverlyengel.com/newsletter/2-24-2006.htm .