Our Last Days at Home
Denial, Bargaining, and Intense Grief
The next morning was Sunday, October 18, 2020. You were still with us, and I sensed that you wanted to be in our home to go to be with the Lord. I talked with the children. David was still there from coming in the night, and Lauren came in the early morning. We made the decision to take you home. The Hospice nurse arranged for transport. I was encouraged that we made the right decision, because once you realized that we were going home, you kept asking for your shoes. We tried to remind you that you didn't wear shoes as you were transported to the hospital on a gurney. You just wouldn't hear of it. It seemed at the time (and I continue to believe) that your mindset was that we were going home, and everything was going to be alright. (A bit of denial, bargaining, and being so sick that you weren't thinking clearly.)
Once the transport team arrived (around 1:30 pm), the children and I went to drive home - each separately as we had all three cars. They wouldn't let anyone go with you in the ambulance. On the way home, I prayed every step of the way. And, I called the best prayer warrior I know - my mother - to pray as we were taking you home and I needed you to make it. I didn't want you to be alone when you went to be with Jesus. She got on the road that minute, but didn't tell me as she thought I already had a full plate. She and Daddy loved you as a son, and she knew my heart was breaking.
We made it home, and you were put comfortably in your chair. A friend stayed with Tony, and he came to join us. We all sat as a family. Then, about 4:00, I looked out and saw Mother's car drive in. That will always mean so much to me - that she was with me (and us) in your last days. That evening, we talked to you and with each other.
A little after 8:00, Lauren and Tony went home to get the kids in bed ready for school the next day. (It still seems so surreal that life goes on even in the midst of such profound change.) Nana visited with us until about 10:00, then she and David went to bed. You thought it was such a blessing that David could be with us. (It was all the COVID stuff, but you always saw the silver lining. ) I slept off and on sitting on the ottoman with my head leaning on the arm of the chair and the couch.
Monday during the day was pretty much like Sunday, but Phil and Kim came over in the evening. We all sat in the family room with you and visited. Nightfall was similar to Sunday as well. I talked to you almost all of Monday and Tuesday night - telling you how much I loved you and all the things I should have said when I was so busy trying to keep you alive. A little before 4:00 am, I had drifted off to sleep with my head on the ottoman, when I woke with a start. You were taking your last breaths. It was as I could hear God say, "Wake up!" I stood up to hug you. Mother is such a light sleeper that she woke. She knew something had happened. She was standing right there when I released my hug. I needed her, and God provided. (I will always wonder why God chose to heal you that side of Heaven, but Mother says it's because you were so Godly that you had finished your service.) She's probably right, but I miss you!!!! This grief is almost unbearable at times.
I didn't need to call for David or go get him either. It was like he knew. He came down immediately as well. He took (at that time and continues to) your words about taking care of me to heart. He reminded me about the Hospice paperwork. We called, and the nurse came and took care of everything. Yet, before we called the nurse, we called Lauren and Tony. A friend stayed with the children and they rushed right over.
When the funeral home transport came, they were so caring. They asked us to leave the room, so they could get you comfortable. Then, we all got to come back in and say bye to you. I will remember that last good-bye for the rest of my life just as I remember the first time I got to see your handsome face 40 years ago.
I am a school counselor turned counselor educator, professor, and author helping educators and parents to build social, emotional, and academic growth in ALL kids! The school counseling blog delivers both advocacy as well as strategies to help you deliver your best school counseling program.
I'm a mother, grandmother, professor, author, and wife (I'll always be his). Until October 20, 2020, I lived with my husband, Robert (Bob) Rose, in Louisville, Ky. On that awful day of October 20,2020, my life profoundly changed, when this amazing man went on to Heaven. After Bob moved to Heaven, I embraced my love of writing as an outlet for grief. Hence, the Grief Blog is my attempt to share what I learned as a Counselor in education with what I am learning through this experience of walking this earth without him. My mission is to help those in grief move forward to see joy beyond this most painful time.
