The Source of Grief: Living "Without" You

I thought it interesting that the timing of writing our love story/journey came to an end at about the same time as your third year in Heaven. I truly can't believe that we've managed to live three years without your physical presence, laughter, wisdom and everything else amazing you brought to our lives. Keeping you alive with writing to you in my personal journal and this blog has been healing in some small way, but I know that I will always miss you!!

Thankful for Our Love Story

I tell everybody that I'm just trying to be thankful for the love story. And, I am thankful, but that bratty little girl in me still feels cheated. I wanted more. I know we got 38 years, but I wanted to grow old with you. We even splurged on the polywood Cracker Barrell rockers for the deck so that they would last into our senior years. And, they are still very pretty sitting out there. I admire your memorial garden on pretty days as I rock out there.

Continuing Traditions and Finding Strength



We have continued the Madeira Beach vacations each summer, even though we haven't braved our to Disney World again yet. Caitlyn joined David on the 2021 trip as they had met in April and seemed to know almost as soon as we did that this was meant to be. David is certain that you sent her to him, and who am I to question that? I can't believe that Daddy joined you just two weeks before that trip. My mother is so strong. She wanted to go ahead. She said it was for the distraction, but I know it was because she loves us and didn't want to let us down. That trip was so difficult. The man who loved me first, and the man who loved me most were together in Heaven. But, Mom and I tried to hold one another up and continue to do so. I can only hope that you and Daddy are proud of us.

Embracing New Experiences



In 2022, the Jason Rardon's planned to go to Disney World and Mom was going with them. I decided while we were on the beach to tag along with them. I thought it would be good memories with mother and time with Jason's family. It was good for me. For the first time since you've been in Heaven, I was able to allow myself to be happy. I'm sure it was the support of my mother, but it was nice to know that I could carry some of you with me. I know you want me to be happy. You told me so and even left a spread sheet of how to plan so that I would be. Still, I have found joy elusive. It was nice to know, if only for brief moments, that it is possible. I have learned that happiness and sadness can live in the same moment.

Creating New Memories



For Christmas 2022, I finally bought Lauren that cruise she's had on her Christmas list for years. We all went on a Royal Caribbean cruise for seven days over Spring Break this year. It was wonderful! I stayed with the children in one cabin, while Lauren and Tony had their own cabin, and David and Caitlyn had their own. We had dinner at our own table in the dining room, where Sam became awestruck with the sommelier. She was from India and very striking. It was so cute how he flirted with her.

Returning to Tradition

And, of course, we returned to Madeira Beach and stayed at the Collwood again for the last week of June as is the tradition. It was more difficult this year. I keep waiting for things to get better "with time", and some things are, but others are not. I suppose I will always miss you!! 

Cherishing Last Words

I will never forget that you told me yet again that you couldn't imagine life without me as you were being wheeled out to the ambulance for what would be the last time. I now know that you realized that this would probably be the last time and were thinking about how I would do without you. It will always amaze me that you loved me so much. I didn't deserve you, but I am so thankful that God gave you to me anyway.

All my love forever and ever!!!

Your Suz